Skip to main content

Living with Chronic Illnesses: Grieving for me

Grieving for me. Learning to live as a different person!
Hello my lovelies,

I hope you are all doing well. I made a video a few years ago on this subject, but I don't feel I fully articulated what I was trying to capture very well.

I have lived most of my life with pain, exhaustion and constant illness but nothing could have prepared me for what I would come up against 6 years ago.

I was working in a nursing home, as a care assistant, studying Health and Social Care with plans to go in to nursing. I wanted to work as a nurse in a home. I loved my job. I loved what I could do to help those I was caring for. I had been taking pain relief for around 10 years by this stage, mostly codeine, every so often increasing to tramadol. Generally that was only for short periods. I had spent 6 weeks off sick from a viral infection. My doctor tried to convince me that this was due to stress in my marriage. He made me believe that it was my body trying to cope with the fact my husband and I were having fertility issues.

It was months after that when I realised my pain relief was not helping and I was having to take more and more. I went to the doctor and he signed me off for a month. I believed I would be back right as rain after that break. How wrong I was. I soon realised life as I knew it was over. Everything I had thought I would accomplish in life was about to change.

Within weeks I was in so much pain I couldn't get out of bed on my own. I only got up to go to doctors appointments. Week after week I sat in that surgery begging and crying for help. It took a long time for me to find some sort of relief and get help.

I had to learn what it was to be me, the new me. I guess I am still learning. My life isn't what I had planned but I am learning to love who I am and what my life is now.

I gave up my dreams of nursing and having a family. We knew that the trauma of loss was enough before that we couldn't risk the stress of going through that again. After many long tearful conversations we closed the fertility chapter of our lives. We decided there and then that we would have to make the most of what life we were given. Whatever that might be.

Over the last 6 years my health has had its ups and downs, but I have had to come to terms with a lot of changes. I managed to train in beauty and go back to work. I now run my own beauty salon. Yes it is very stressful, but it has given me something I never thought I would have again. I spend a lot of my off days resting and seeing my family. I don't get out and about a lot to see the people I would love to be seeing. I have learnt to be ok with the fact that I cannot do all the trips and things that I once did.

I have cried many tears over how I don't get to see the friends that I would love to be seeing all the time. I don't get out as much as I would like, but over time I have come to accept and be ok with that. I am trying to make use of my downtime at home to blog and share with others like me. I want to make as many people feel they are not alone like I once did.

I had to grieve for my Independence. I was always a very independent person. I could just get up and go whenever I wanted. Now if I need to do some shopping I have to rely on someone being able to drive me there and back.

There has been tantrums and tears and times I have wanted to give up, but I have learnt to live again and enjoy the good times. My husband and I have had some amazing holidays since I have been back at work and we are planning lots more fun times ahead for the future.

I have learnt that even though my life isn't what I had expected I can still have a great life. Yes there will be tears, pain and days where I wonder if I can keep on going but that will not stop me. We have to remember we may have conditions but they do not have us. Do not let them define who you are as a person.

I hope my posts help and you find them useful, if there is anything in particular that you would like me to do a post on please let me know in the comments.

If you are a fellow sufferer and haven't joined the group yet check out the link below.

Loving hugs to all of you,

Facebook group:


  1. How do you wear makeup and not break out?

    1. Thoroughly cleansing my face of all makeup at the end of the day, not caking myself in heavy products. I have a post about skincare you should give it a wee look too. I hope you are well, thank you so much for your comment. xx


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Fibromyalgia isn't a real illness!!

Hello my lovelies,

I hope this post finds you well. Yes you read this right. I don't believe that Fibromyalgia is a real illness!!

Ok ok, put the pitch forks down!! Before you start a lynch mob, I am not saying that people with it aren't sick. Quite the opposite. I just feel that this mystery illness Fibromyalgia has more to it than just one illness!

For a start it really isn't a diagnosis at all. It is the final straw after a process of elimination. You go through so many tests you will have had more pricks than kerplunk! You will have seen so many different doctors that you will feel like you see them more than your family. By the time they see you don't have a, b, c or d they have no clue so they tell you it is Fibromyalgia. They don't know how you got it, why you got it or really how to treat it either.Every study that is done contradicts the previous study. Some say its to do with nerves, some say its to do with blood. Some doctors claim there is a test to diag…

LMX - Little Mix Makeup Brand Review Part 1 Shout out to my Pout

Hello my lovelies,

I was so intrigued when I saw that there was a new makeup collection exclusive to Boots. LMX is a brand brought to us by Little Mix band members. They have everything from eyeshadows to highlighters.

I purchased a couple of box sets from the Boots 3 for 2 range. Sadly one item came broken. I was gutted but Ho hum, I moved on and just reviewed the rest of the products on their own. I will continue my reviews of the brand as soon as I get my replacement.

So my two items I have thoroughly tested are the Shout out to my Pout Liquid Lipstick and Liner collection (rrp £18) and the Rock in the Gold Get the Look Palette (£14).

Lets start with the lip products, get the negative out of the way early. I purchased this kit of 4 lip liners and liquid lipsticks. I chose this specifically because it was nude tones and I thought well at least one will suit me, how wrong was I. I found them so orange toned, none of them suited my skin tone I was so dissapointed. They tout this as a n…

Living with Chronic Pain: My Positive Story!

I saw a post on a facebook group recently. It just said, Does no one have a positive story about their Fibro. It stopped me in my tracks. We always hear the bad and how awful living with Chronic Pain is, and don’t get me wrong the life I live is not what I ever expected to live, but I am so blessed to be able to stand up and say me I am a positive story!!
Nearly 7 years ago my life hit rock bottom. My body had had enough. I was working in a nursing home and absolutely loved my job. My body was not loving it though. After months of being in more pain than usual I went to the doctor expecting him to give me a sick line for a few weeks and after a rest I wholeheartedly believed that I would be back at work in about a month. That was not to be. I went from bad to worse while we tried to find suitable medication. The doctor took me off the pain relief I had been on while we tried something else, the problem was we then realised the full extent of the pain my body was actually in. We didn’…