|Grieving for me. Learning to live as a different person!|
I hope you are all doing well. I made a video a few years ago on this subject, but I don't feel I fully articulated what I was trying to capture very well.
I have lived most of my life with pain, exhaustion and constant illness but nothing could have prepared me for what I would come up against 6 years ago.
I was working in a nursing home, as a care assistant, studying Health and Social Care with plans to go in to nursing. I wanted to work as a nurse in a home. I loved my job. I loved what I could do to help those I was caring for. I had been taking pain relief for around 10 years by this stage, mostly codeine, every so often increasing to tramadol. Generally that was only for short periods. I had spent 6 weeks off sick from a viral infection. My doctor tried to convince me that this was due to stress in my marriage. He made me believe that it was my body trying to cope with the fact my husband and I were having fertility issues.
It was months after that when I realised my pain relief was not helping and I was having to take more and more. I went to the doctor and he signed me off for a month. I believed I would be back right as rain after that break. How wrong I was. I soon realised life as I knew it was over. Everything I had thought I would accomplish in life was about to change.
Within weeks I was in so much pain I couldn't get out of bed on my own. I only got up to go to doctors appointments. Week after week I sat in that surgery begging and crying for help. It took a long time for me to find some sort of relief and get help.
I had to learn what it was to be me, the new me. I guess I am still learning. My life isn't what I had planned but I am learning to love who I am and what my life is now.
I gave up my dreams of nursing and having a family. We knew that the trauma of loss was enough before that we couldn't risk the stress of going through that again. After many long tearful conversations we closed the fertility chapter of our lives. We decided there and then that we would have to make the most of what life we were given. Whatever that might be.
Over the last 6 years my health has had its ups and downs, but I have had to come to terms with a lot of changes. I managed to train in beauty and go back to work. I now run my own beauty salon. Yes it is very stressful, but it has given me something I never thought I would have again. I spend a lot of my off days resting and seeing my family. I don't get out and about a lot to see the people I would love to be seeing. I have learnt to be ok with the fact that I cannot do all the trips and things that I once did.
I have cried many tears over how I don't get to see the friends that I would love to be seeing all the time. I don't get out as much as I would like, but over time I have come to accept and be ok with that. I am trying to make use of my downtime at home to blog and share with others like me. I want to make as many people feel they are not alone like I once did.
I had to grieve for my Independence. I was always a very independent person. I could just get up and go whenever I wanted. Now if I need to do some shopping I have to rely on someone being able to drive me there and back.
There has been tantrums and tears and times I have wanted to give up, but I have learnt to live again and enjoy the good times. My husband and I have had some amazing holidays since I have been back at work and we are planning lots more fun times ahead for the future.
I have learnt that even though my life isn't what I had expected I can still have a great life. Yes there will be tears, pain and days where I wonder if I can keep on going but that will not stop me. We have to remember we may have conditions but they do not have us. Do not let them define who you are as a person.
I hope my posts help and you find them useful, if there is anything in particular that you would like me to do a post on please let me know in the comments.
If you are a fellow sufferer and haven't joined the group yet check out the link below.
Loving hugs to all of you,
Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/Chronicpainandfatiguesupport/